Monday, May 30, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Ep. 2: "Good Times on the dance floor"

I thought I'd start recording my Bachelorette thoughts. Hopefully this won't give me too much anxiety, as I already hate myself enough for watching it. It's incredibly lame, but in short, the 'car-crash-can't-look-away-people-acting-irrational' factor makes for hilarious TV.

Ok. On with our "PerfAct" little Ashley!


She's a sweet girl, secretly hates being a dentist because who wouldn't?
Plus, as we already know with former Bachelor/ette contestant general career trajectory, getting a Dancing with the Stars gig seems to be an option written in to their ABC contractual agreement, so I say she's going through with this for the great springboard opportunity.

On Bentley. Most the guys I went to school with in Utah were not that good looking, and the few that could be considered 'good looking' (I'm picky to a fault. I'm still single/shallow/delusional/paying for it, don't worry) seemed to all be TOOLS like him. This just doesn't surprise me.

Oh William. You are a little too cheesy looking for me.

Stephen- the LA hairdresser. doing a disservice to his career thinking his own 'do is ok, never mind awesome.

"I LIKE to drive!" -case in point, cheesy William. Side note- I need to stop being so attracted to preppy d-bags.
Speaking of!
Ames is my type except 88 marathons and 23 degrees has passed High Strung into Suspicious territory.

Mask guy is now wearing a beanie. and for the love, SHAVE.

Ashley is so glamorous to people in Las Vegas. Sad town.

Wedding cake is lame idea. -1: Producers.

She not so secretly loves it, the fake ring shopping. +1: Producers

'I was getting nervous there! [I mean, I knew it was a joke]' - No Sh-, Sherlock!

'this could be a legally binding marriage.' no, that's the main producer's dad who lives in Henderson and wanted to be on tv. Or just a vegas chaplain. either way.

She wanted to do jazz hands in the chapel.

Screaming like a 15 year old.

"The famous Bellagio fountains." HAAAAAAAA.

This is like the dine-with-Shamu thing at SeaWorld. It appears only people like Mary Kate and Ashley are allowed, but really, anyone can.

Legit sad story, Watchface William.

EW Ames, don't wear Urban Outfitters plaid!!! Stay preppy!!!

Everyone loves JP, and maybe I would too if he weren't choosing to be bald.

Bentley looks kind of like the D-list movie producer I once went out with who couldn't stop grilling me on what specific Classics I had read lately. I thought he was soo worldly and cooool and smarrrt, which is why I'm glad I'll never be 20 years old again. At least he wasn't a jerk, right?

Winemaker Ben is growing on me, if he cut his hair... and were smarter?

"Goood times on the dance floor." Oh I just FELL OVER.

The Ali and Roberto Lion King Date 2.0 but a fraction as cool (I hate myself for knowing that).

Hairstylist is trying to downplay how assertive he wants to be about this choreography.

Bentley- "dude, dude" - Perfaction.

Personal Trainer is wondering when he should have his next can of tuna for his 8-protein-meals-a-day plan.

'Perfact' time for me to wear a sports bra and grind in front of 50 guys (among cast, dance cast, crew). Foreshadowing this whole season.

Ames in a V-neck... IT MAKES SENSE NOW. He's a Tom Cruise Gay, trying to deny it by forcing himself to be in any way with unsuspecting girls. Final Clubs and Town Cars weren't working, so Bachelorette was clearly the next venue to pursue.

SoCal Solar Panels has 'iced tips'/highlighted hair. Perfact.

I like the other dentist for her. Does he have highlights though? Lame... I mean, Perfact!!

West is creepy. I think those tabloid rumours about him killing his wife are suspect enough. "You're scaring me." Perfact.

Bentley- lots of gel in that hair, and I'm hair illiterate.
"If I didn't have a daughter..." -CLASSY

"Pleeeease stay" 100 times. PATHETIC.

Awww, JP just wants to not date a Long Island girl for once.

"Mickeeyyy!" -bummed tone of voice.

Mickey'll be out soon. No personality.

"The most amazing view" Ok I'll stop bashing Las Vegas now.

Wasn't everyone over Colbie Caillat about 2 years ago?

Ames: alpha financier by day, Chelsea club-goer by night.

Personal Trainer doesn't seem like too much of a dbag (just dumb), so points?

JP's face has no dimension. Flat Stanley.

She's all about it, the 'GOOD TIMES ahead'

If you're 35, why would you think that Bachelor/ette was your answer? If you don't have an agenda to get on Dancing With The Stars, don't go on it!

William's impersonations are funny, the way they're edited on screen.

"William already had a rose." -Captain Obvious, aka Personal Trainer. Wash because the interviews are always redundant.

William's drunk. Kiss awkwardly long.

Ben C. - The Euro-born French speaker but still very much American guy is out of her league, but he doesn't know it and she thinks the opposite. Don't know which is more unfortunate.

Bentley must be gagging laughing ever night at all the guys thinking she looks so amazing. It's because there are no other girls there. I'm a Sherlock, I know.

JP so desperate, anguished at the prospect of Match.com again. GROW OUT YOUR HAIR! I actually think they're perfact.

Ah! she took SoCal dime-a-dozen Blake over much better looking Matt! Respectable exit. Oh, he's from Massachusetts. Hahaha. MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.

Preview of the season:
So much breakdancing. Dancing. YOU'RE AN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR, not a pro dancer! Why do you let the producers make you look like you hate being a Dentist! (Never mind, I get it)

Emily/Chantal references. Duh.

'Not talking' Talking to the camera crying in bed.

Does Bentley not realize his offspring will watch this one day? Eh, people on the Bachelor = huge lapses in logic standard.

I haven't even watched this show that long and it is done EVERY SEASON, smart a!

Producers having fun with the Mask guy's sound bites, because he's friends with one of them.


Until next week,
Sherlock Helen/Ingrid/Al

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Doing the Helen Keller

WARNING: This post is the very definition of White Girl Problems.

So at the end of last week I underwent Lasik surgery for my nearsightedness that genetically endowed me to glasses-and-contacts slavery since age 10.

My mom flew in for the occasion, and despite hundreds of eye drops pre- and post-op, I'm still on the mend. For the first few days it felt like I had grains of sand and lemon juice in my eye, so it was more comfortable to keep them closed all the time, preempting my mom to deem me Helen and punctuating the joke with signing fake braille in my outreached hand.

awful/brilliant/hilarious.

After Coldplay and a Wikileaks book put me to sleep, I graduated to television that was listenable-only, namely Jeopardy, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert with cold compresses on my eyes. Super glam.

Our couple noted outings at Eataly and Union Square Cafe necessitated clutching her arm, as the Tylenol-3 was giving me vertigo (and you know, I had/have jilted sight) ... which was all a sight to behold, pun intended.

"You have allergy?" - the laundry people, as I contorted my face to sign a receipt. Cuuuuute.

Under the care of a very conservative opthamologist, only yesterday I was given the OK to wear makeup, and thank GOODNESS because I was going to be in H's presence (see last post).

(And thank goodness she sat next to me for a couple minutes so I could accurately examine her gorgeousness (including a few wrinkles and imperfect teeth whiteness! how old school european to keep it naturale! love her!))

Although I've cut my computer and television consumption, cower from the sun and possibly send horribly wrong conversational signals to people indoor because I wear a constant grimaced expression (or have to excuse myself to put on sunglasses like I think I'm that important), my sight remains hazy.

Can't work out. Reading print is exhausting after hours on the comp. Can't spend long outside. All make me dizzy.

Doc tells me the old eyes are healing well, but here I lay still on my opthalmologic deathbed.

(or lie? Never got a handle on the ol' lay/lie)

-Helen

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Just do what she tells you

As one who lived it today, I highly recommend the experience.



Frenetically outfit consulted with Chantelle and the $30 Anthro sale dress won out over a DVF number... awesome.

(The only shots I can share of the day...lest I dig around some websites... stay tuned?)


(Notice my hand against my doorframe, finding stability in 4-inch booties...
remember how I never ever wear heels? hahaaa)

(long front, short back = love)


Life's about to necessitate even more discretion blogging, so all I'll say is that she genuinely radiates joy and it is contagious.

:)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Red rain boots

Because of the above, the following link I provide is nonsensical Euro music video PERFECTION.

(Or please, please offer a plausible explanation or idea?)

Embedding is disabled so please click this link to see what I'm talking about.
I promise it's not spam.



Just thought you should know, as I've been laughing at it for days.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Filthy is the new lovely

Sister's crew didn't fare so well in this weekend's races.

She harbors scary levels of competitiveness, so it was ever so kind of her to press pause on her anger and disappointment for half a second to take a picture.

Along with the above,

- my dad showing me around his old Filthy stomping grounds, seeing memory after memory come back to him as we checked out all his formerly frequented frats, labs, notable buildings and urban spaces where he used to draw, and what of it had changed or remained the same (as he hadn't been back in nearly 40 years).

- sighting a WASP-y old man at the race prepped out in salmon pants and a lavender sweater. *le sigh

- Getting my first sunburn of the summer on my translucent Manhattan skin (despite knowing it won't tan)

- road-tripping back to The City with a friend despite it taking twice as looong and bad LA traffic hallucinations ...

made it a great weekend.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Filthadelphia

My dad spent the bulk of his 20s in Philadelphia, so he's entitled to call it whatever he wants.

It's late Friday/early Saturday, and I simply forgot how much I hate packing. Wah wah waaaaah with 5 As.
For one night, mind you.

Refer to this twitter feed.

But I reeeeeally can't wait to see my sister and see what kind of Serena Williams' hairstyle she has concocted on her pretty head, and also my dad who is downright hilarious and calls me out on finally being 'old enough' to "appreciate" his humour.


In other news, my best cousin was in town again a week or so ago and she got this song in my head.

Cheers to spring finally springing, to salmon-colored slacks on WASPy specimen who inhabit this isle, to warm drinks now iced, and overall brighter outlooks.

Ok, I gotta go to bed, this isn't healthy ... all of this complaining and cheers-ing is precisely the thing I mock in normal hours of my blog-perusing. ha.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

The Pin

Bobby, it's been a long time coming.
As in pin.
I'm on The Pin.
Bobby Pin.

(Hair-storians: is it short for 'bob-control pin'?!!?!?!!!)

I remember once when I was about 6, my mother apologizing to me and my younger sister in the powder room that she couldn't do anything to our hair other than a ponytail or a simple simple braid.

(Tangent: That younger sister would go on to teach herself how to French braid her hair among other hair tricks self-taught, request a sewing machine for Christmas, and crotchet a bajillion hats...every summer.
She also happens to be an AMAZING athlete, so she'll be at airports having her carry-on double checked at security due to 'suspicious' knitting needles, until they look up to see this fresh-faced amazon beauty in athlete issue sweats with her red hair intricately braided a la Serena Williams. hah.)

Anyways, I am completely clueless when it comes to all things artsy & craftsy & hair-y. Even a flat-iron is a struggle. Which I am realizing kind of makes sense because while I was never the most athletic of my sisters, I've always been the most 'tomboy':
I've always been my dad's right hand sports watching companion. I was the one who went furthest with the more brawny sports (softball and basketball). I was more into Sports Illustrated for Kids than American Girl.

And was hair inept - UNTIL NOW. Sort of.

My cousin taught me how to bobby pin my hair!!!
And after failing the first few times (yes, I KNOW they're fool proof, go easy, remember I am a crafty klutz), I sort of have the hang of it.
And it's a life-maker with my short hair.

(With Telly. Fun fact: before I even existed, my mom knew her as an infant + her mom. So here's to Jacque, too!)

So anyways, in this most narcissistic way, Happy Mothers' Day, mom. If your worst quality is your hair-do inabilities, I'm delighted the handicap (hairdicap?) was passed on to me, because it only means I'm closer to being like you.

(At Eataly, last October. Pre-chop/Pre-Pin)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Halfway House

Lots of visitors lately (re: title), which means lots of giggles and memory lane strolls and updates, including dramatic readings from exhaustive blogs ... among other things.


Telly is the kind of person who alternates between using $200 words and talking about pandas. 
But most of all, eating sugar. 


Bunny from my mom's easter package accompanied us to this place.

You have to walk through long clear plastic paneling (a la a butcher's freezer 'door') to get in. 

It looks like Christmas exploded over Cinco de Mayo exploded over Graceland. 

I want to take everyone who comes to visit.



Truthfully, I wasn't ready but now it looks hipster. 

We're sooooo coooooool, I should stop washing my clothes, take up smoking and moccasins, and start a Tumblr of polaroids. 
I KNOW.

- Walked by a park in Greenwich Village, saw her with her baby and laughed so hard because of how Telly said the boy's name aloud combined with the image of how he looked slumped in the swing (I think she (J) may have heard us: OOPS).




Samberg and Empire State Building in same field of view = perfection 

(hard to see: "'Hustlaz drink ...")


More highlights from the high life that is The High Line:
"The sooner you park your car, the sooner you can stop thinking about parking your car." 




Couple other notables: 
- Best cab ride ever: 48th to 13th street without a red light. It was at around 2 am, not rush hour ... but whatever, amazing.

- Ate Cafeteria food.

- Mickey and I went to Pianos, again, of course. 

Our favorite DJ. 

He loves us (as does his Asian wife, not pictured, in case you were wondering).


There was no one on the stage, but then we created this. Tradition.


Sunday, May 1, 2011

Yeah. We just did that.


Such a baller. God Bless America.


If you didn't see the White House Correspondents Dinner Speeches that had Trump blowing steam out his ears... view them here and here (I couldn't love Seth Meyers more).

Grow a pair, Donald.