Monday, May 30, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Ep. 2: "Good Times on the dance floor"

I thought I'd start recording my Bachelorette thoughts. Hopefully this won't give me too much anxiety, as I already hate myself enough for watching it. It's incredibly lame, but in short, the 'car-crash-can't-look-away-people-acting-irrational' factor makes for hilarious TV.

Ok. On with our "PerfAct" little Ashley!


She's a sweet girl, secretly hates being a dentist because who wouldn't?
Plus, as we already know with former Bachelor/ette contestant general career trajectory, getting a Dancing with the Stars gig seems to be an option written in to their ABC contractual agreement, so I say she's going through with this for the great springboard opportunity.

On Bentley. Most the guys I went to school with in Utah were not that good looking, and the few that could be considered 'good looking' (I'm picky to a fault. I'm still single/shallow/delusional/paying for it, don't worry) seemed to all be TOOLS like him. This just doesn't surprise me.

Oh William. You are a little too cheesy looking for me.

Stephen- the LA hairdresser. doing a disservice to his career thinking his own 'do is ok, never mind awesome.

"I LIKE to drive!" -case in point, cheesy William. Side note- I need to stop being so attracted to preppy d-bags.
Speaking of!
Ames is my type except 88 marathons and 23 degrees has passed High Strung into Suspicious territory.

Mask guy is now wearing a beanie. and for the love, SHAVE.

Ashley is so glamorous to people in Las Vegas. Sad town.

Wedding cake is lame idea. -1: Producers.

She not so secretly loves it, the fake ring shopping. +1: Producers

'I was getting nervous there! [I mean, I knew it was a joke]' - No Sh-, Sherlock!

'this could be a legally binding marriage.' no, that's the main producer's dad who lives in Henderson and wanted to be on tv. Or just a vegas chaplain. either way.

She wanted to do jazz hands in the chapel.

Screaming like a 15 year old.

"The famous Bellagio fountains." HAAAAAAAA.

This is like the dine-with-Shamu thing at SeaWorld. It appears only people like Mary Kate and Ashley are allowed, but really, anyone can.

Legit sad story, Watchface William.

EW Ames, don't wear Urban Outfitters plaid!!! Stay preppy!!!

Everyone loves JP, and maybe I would too if he weren't choosing to be bald.

Bentley looks kind of like the D-list movie producer I once went out with who couldn't stop grilling me on what specific Classics I had read lately. I thought he was soo worldly and cooool and smarrrt, which is why I'm glad I'll never be 20 years old again. At least he wasn't a jerk, right?

Winemaker Ben is growing on me, if he cut his hair... and were smarter?

"Goood times on the dance floor." Oh I just FELL OVER.

The Ali and Roberto Lion King Date 2.0 but a fraction as cool (I hate myself for knowing that).

Hairstylist is trying to downplay how assertive he wants to be about this choreography.

Bentley- "dude, dude" - Perfaction.

Personal Trainer is wondering when he should have his next can of tuna for his 8-protein-meals-a-day plan.

'Perfact' time for me to wear a sports bra and grind in front of 50 guys (among cast, dance cast, crew). Foreshadowing this whole season.

Ames in a V-neck... IT MAKES SENSE NOW. He's a Tom Cruise Gay, trying to deny it by forcing himself to be in any way with unsuspecting girls. Final Clubs and Town Cars weren't working, so Bachelorette was clearly the next venue to pursue.

SoCal Solar Panels has 'iced tips'/highlighted hair. Perfact.

I like the other dentist for her. Does he have highlights though? Lame... I mean, Perfact!!

West is creepy. I think those tabloid rumours about him killing his wife are suspect enough. "You're scaring me." Perfact.

Bentley- lots of gel in that hair, and I'm hair illiterate.
"If I didn't have a daughter..." -CLASSY

"Pleeeease stay" 100 times. PATHETIC.

Awww, JP just wants to not date a Long Island girl for once.

"Mickeeyyy!" -bummed tone of voice.

Mickey'll be out soon. No personality.

"The most amazing view" Ok I'll stop bashing Las Vegas now.

Wasn't everyone over Colbie Caillat about 2 years ago?

Ames: alpha financier by day, Chelsea club-goer by night.

Personal Trainer doesn't seem like too much of a dbag (just dumb), so points?

JP's face has no dimension. Flat Stanley.

She's all about it, the 'GOOD TIMES ahead'

If you're 35, why would you think that Bachelor/ette was your answer? If you don't have an agenda to get on Dancing With The Stars, don't go on it!

William's impersonations are funny, the way they're edited on screen.

"William already had a rose." -Captain Obvious, aka Personal Trainer. Wash because the interviews are always redundant.

William's drunk. Kiss awkwardly long.

Ben C. - The Euro-born French speaker but still very much American guy is out of her league, but he doesn't know it and she thinks the opposite. Don't know which is more unfortunate.

Bentley must be gagging laughing ever night at all the guys thinking she looks so amazing. It's because there are no other girls there. I'm a Sherlock, I know.

JP so desperate, anguished at the prospect of Match.com again. GROW OUT YOUR HAIR! I actually think they're perfact.

Ah! she took SoCal dime-a-dozen Blake over much better looking Matt! Respectable exit. Oh, he's from Massachusetts. Hahaha. MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.

Preview of the season:
So much breakdancing. Dancing. YOU'RE AN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR, not a pro dancer! Why do you let the producers make you look like you hate being a Dentist! (Never mind, I get it)

Emily/Chantal references. Duh.

'Not talking' Talking to the camera crying in bed.

Does Bentley not realize his offspring will watch this one day? Eh, people on the Bachelor = huge lapses in logic standard.

I haven't even watched this show that long and it is done EVERY SEASON, smart a!

Producers having fun with the Mask guy's sound bites, because he's friends with one of them.


Until next week,
Sherlock Helen/Ingrid/Al

3 comments:

Rachel Longhurst said...

I gave up trying to hate myself for watching the bachelor/ette...its just to enticing. Although, after last season and Brad's "no doubt about it" approach to life I am questioning my addiction. Plus, they picked Ashley. Really? Im sorry, but she sucks. And her laugh makes me cringe. Not even gonna start with Bentley...
Im glad I have your support in this season though. Keep posting about your feelings because I agree with you on all of the,

Stephanie said...

Yep. All of your thoughts were matched up almost exactly with mine!

Especially Bently "It's never been done before." Uh... idiot.

Alexandra said...

Brad 2.0 was so boring...The fact that he had 'changed so much' from the first, which I hadn't even seen, and still managed to screw everything up after the season ended lol.
I loved when Joel McHale on The Soup would find a way to mock him every week i.e. "I'm kinda duuuumb" in a Texas accent etc etc.
In short, Joel was the best part about Brad. haha!