Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Doing the Helen Keller

WARNING: This post is the very definition of White Girl Problems.

So at the end of last week I underwent Lasik surgery for my nearsightedness that genetically endowed me to glasses-and-contacts slavery since age 10.

My mom flew in for the occasion, and despite hundreds of eye drops pre- and post-op, I'm still on the mend. For the first few days it felt like I had grains of sand and lemon juice in my eye, so it was more comfortable to keep them closed all the time, preempting my mom to deem me Helen and punctuating the joke with signing fake braille in my outreached hand.

awful/brilliant/hilarious.

After Coldplay and a Wikileaks book put me to sleep, I graduated to television that was listenable-only, namely Jeopardy, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert with cold compresses on my eyes. Super glam.

Our couple noted outings at Eataly and Union Square Cafe necessitated clutching her arm, as the Tylenol-3 was giving me vertigo (and you know, I had/have jilted sight) ... which was all a sight to behold, pun intended.

"You have allergy?" - the laundry people, as I contorted my face to sign a receipt. Cuuuuute.

Under the care of a very conservative opthamologist, only yesterday I was given the OK to wear makeup, and thank GOODNESS because I was going to be in H's presence (see last post).

(And thank goodness she sat next to me for a couple minutes so I could accurately examine her gorgeousness (including a few wrinkles and imperfect teeth whiteness! how old school european to keep it naturale! love her!))

Although I've cut my computer and television consumption, cower from the sun and possibly send horribly wrong conversational signals to people indoor because I wear a constant grimaced expression (or have to excuse myself to put on sunglasses like I think I'm that important), my sight remains hazy.

Can't work out. Reading print is exhausting after hours on the comp. Can't spend long outside. All make me dizzy.

Doc tells me the old eyes are healing well, but here I lay still on my opthalmologic deathbed.

(or lie? Never got a handle on the ol' lay/lie)

-Helen

5 comments:

brook said...

this post is brilliant!!!!

chantelle.elise said...

Your sign off really made me giggle.

Alison said...

eric gets really mad at me cause I LOVE that song, you know, do the helen keller girl and talk with your hips.

it's so bad. but SO GOOD. like your mom with fake braille. hahaha good luck recovering!

Jg. for FatScribe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jg. for FatScribe said...

okay, Ms. HK (how many nicknames ARE you rockin' these days, Indgrid? -- should just call you she who has a thousand names) ... you are cracking me up today with your infirmed self, so i send you salubrious well-wishes from california to be sure.

For your Helen Keller needs, something easy on the eyes for the iPad or the laptop.

1st up: Hercules Poirot on YoutTube. You'll have to add the other parts, but part 1 will get ya there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTfDGlm3rV8&playnext=1&list=PLABF6F8121268DA34

Next a fave movie, so timeless that even my 13 yr-old son found it worthy: "Enchanted April"

found here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xWzjYSRGfY

again, this will get you to part 1, and the rest are all there to the side. if you haven't seen it, mike newell at his best, IMHO.

finally, the intransitive (if memory serves from Strunk and White days) would instruct one to "lie down" when going blind from white girl problems.

ciao chica.