Monday, June 27, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Ep. 6: I'm SO over Bentley.

And so we begin another adventure in our journey of love with half men (if we are following rules of radioactivity 'half life', they are 25% men by now... right? I don't know, I haven't done math since high school).

That still shot of her with the traffic racing behind. Fail. Not dramatic enough a contrast, so therefore, as cool looking as those 'Glamour Shots' all the cholas at my high school had from the mall.

This 'closure' stuff is such bs.

"He's here?!!!" Duh, you flew him here!

"I'm not gonna mess with you" - such a little skeeze, that Chris Harrison. For one, why didn't he show her Bentley's interviews?

The editing is off. No, we, the audience are not buying that it's going to be a toss up (if he's going to come back or leave).

Duh, don't they know the tabloids were all over this ... oh, 4 months ago?

Wow, he's really conniving = this is reeeeally embarrassing for her.

Bentley's so bored running the trampoline gym/wants to be on TV so badly that he got on a 20 hour flight to have a 20 min conversation.

I'm LOVING the voice over "he's a player, etc" with the shot of him on the couch.

I'm SO over Bentley... I'm so ready to hang out with the guys but won't tell them about Bentley yet, thereby giving him more weight... I'm so glad Bentley's gone... Bentley Bentley Bentley Bentley Bentleeeeeeeeyyyyyy.

Lucas aka Texas version of Will Forte (MacGruber- SNL).

"It's known for it's neon signs." Is that really a thing? Pretty sure I'd just go to Las Vegas if I were into that.

"This looks like New York." I'm glad most people have the burning image of Times Square as what New York looks like, so they won't move here. heehee.

I'm SO over Bentley.

Ugh. Don't like square toed shoes on someone who is not a metrosexual tool/Italian/gay. Now I'm not the kind of person that notices what guys wear specifically. A whole look (preppy?!!), yes. But specifics, no. But NO square toed shoes, just the normal guy shoes, thanks.

"I haven't thought about Bentley at all" NOT AT ALL.

MacGruber's going to save me from Bentley!

Crop top #485674.

"Hello, do you want to meet a creepy American who will lean over your restaurant table and demand you speak his language?!!"
- Oh, Solar Panels. He reminds me of this kid on one of my study abroads, who, when he went to Australia, was considerate enough to make his travel companions hang around while he learned to play the digeridoo, FOR 8 HOURS.

"He's our greatest fan" -I shouldn't kill any more brain cells hitting my forehead, so I'm just laughing extra hard.

The Josh Grobans are on the same team!!!

They're scared of two strangers (and a fleet of cameras) coming up to them.

If Ryan got a rose, I would pack up and go home. Because it would mean he's not into me. - Gaymes. (wait was that him?)

Ugh, Solar Panels even did the liberty of learning a cantonese word! How IMPRESSIVE.

LOL "Bah-chi" meaning idiot. So perfect. I actually laughed with them, sue me.

"EvAr since Bentley." I'm SO over Bentley.

Oh, sorry... I just took a walk around the block because I was so bored....uh.... where were we?

GAYMES! Going for it!!!! HAHAHA.

Winemaker Josh Groban really pulling out the preppy stops. I really under-prep-stimated him. Now he just needs to cut his hair.

"This date with JP is the most excited I've been" ... since Bentley.

... nervous wrAck.

...beating out of my chAst.

...when he lAft.

I'm SO over Bentley.

I'm SO over Bentley.

But I'm SO over Bentley.

Solar Panels is pissed. But yet, still wants to be here. Wouldn't be as creepy if it weren't Solar Panels.

Solar Panels the therapist moderator sensei ringleader extraordinaire taming all Ashley's emotions.
(HAHAHA. This is perfAct. I think that Glee guy is so ugly)

Gaymes- Loved the enunciation and pacing of the whole 'fairy tale' thing. his mouth moves in odd dirActions.

When all else fails, cry.

Good job. Dentist figured this game out.

"Oh no" -Solar Panels. but secretly happy...again, creepy.

Gaymes with his mouth gay-ping open.

Aaand, once again as is customary on Bach, by raising a valid concern you essentially self-eliminate.

Sorry, Dentist. A friend?!!!?!!
Move to Provo, Utah- girls will throw themselves at you: you're their type! Without leaving your couch, they will bring you food and hook up with you. GO!

Previews look epic.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Happy birthday, Dude

HAPPY 29th, HRH Dude of Cambridge Wills!

I may have clicked through this slideshow a few times in honour of the occasion ...

Despite Harry's sassiness, I'm still a Wills girl, baldness and all.

(Harry has squintier, more Charles-y facial features, no?).

Aaaand this photo...this photo... just. never. gets. old. Sigh. Swoon.

Ok I really need an intervention...

Monday, June 20, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Ep. 5: Make love, not Muay Thai

Hey guys!!

Well I have successfully yoga-ed and green juice-d (I'm totally guilted into this whole alkaline pH green-i-fying yourself thing. every coffee shop in NYC is now a juicer, no joke) my way out of this unsettling funk I was in ALL day and ready for another round of gross exaggerating and snarky bashing of the Bachelorette half-men.

Not very yogi-c of me, I'm aware.

But neither was Solar Panels' unnecessary clobbering of dear sweet Gay-mes.
(Taking a play from the Bentley playbook and minding the hair)

"Flying ALL over THE WORLD" Uh, ONE country at this point. Solar Panels the Geographer.

Oh, Gay-mes and the orange-clad monks! Anything but Ashley, really, will do...

It's Thailand- the land of Shenanigans with a capital S. Glad they're smart enough to pick up on that re: "Anything is possible in Chiang Mai"

*Palm to forehead - my reaction to them running up the steps into that hotel.

Gaymes, you're jealous of Ashley's chemistry...with all of the guys.

"We have a lot of mutual atRACHShon for each other"

"I love this stuff!" *palm to forehead

"Street food!" *palm to forehead

(This WHOLE show, for that matter- *palm to forehead)

Ah, I see Jibber Jabber/Flash Mob Ben and Gaymes have been giving these guys some preppy tips. Good job on your polo shirt, Josh Groban Winemaker.

"[The PRODUCERS are] So romantic!!!"

I will never get over why these people define "putting themselves out there" as this, and only this, TV show 'journey'.

I am about as attracted to Personal Trainer as Matthew McConaughey. Which is zero. It's hard to consider guys attractive when you hear they stand the height you were in 6th grade (approx 5'9"). #TallGirlProblems

'I'm really really glad that you're ... distracting me, albeit marginally, from Bentley'

Why are they making out when there are these Thai people giving a special dance performance? Disrespectful, right?!

I want the chin dread instructor to be my Thai sensei. He's so annoyed by these half-men.

My pink gloves are biggAr than me!

"It's pretty wild" - Gaymes in his ELEMENT. First the monks, now the boxers...what next?!


THE PINK. "I PREFER don't mind"

Did you see that 2 second shot of Gaymes's gay clap!?

No, pretty sure the whole 'fighting like a girl' thing is already covered, JP.

"I'm nerVAS"

Roommate: You can't put guys in a boxing ring and tell them, 'Oh just have fun!' Dummies. I mean, SMART producers.

I appreciate the anti-fight (anti-war?) sentiments, Gaymes, but surely you've taken a David Barton Gym (aka The Marc Jacobs Gym) kickboxing class. You know, for reasons of urban self defense...

Ugh, again, Anal Solar Panels putting the U in Unnecessary and giving poor Gaymes a concussion. This is why smiley guys creep me out!

"I'll be back" - I gotta do a few struts around the ring in my sports bra in front of these modest Thai people.

Boxing- where only plastic reconstructive surgeons win.

Wait. She didn't fight? I thought she was going to get roasted again!!!

Aaand ... Gaymes still turns up to the mixer in a sportcoat and khakis, unlike these toolbags dressing like (wannabe) off-duty surfers. *Sigh.


(Looks like they all noticed, too.)

I had to wait too long for that Bentley reference! Thank you, Ashley editing!

"YAR a GOLFER!!!" Why does she get SO hyper SO fast. I don't understand girls sometimes.

"I LOVE [that another guy showed me where my heart is: with Bentley]"

Dental love.

They think they're so Tom and Huck, but they have that Thai man steering the boat!

NEWSFLASH: If you admit that you "CAN be the biggest D in the room," then you are one, completely.

Fiiiinally, some more sabotage storyline thanks to Watchface William.

This is bizarre. Because William has SUCH a good trAck record!

Ah well. Like I said in the first recap, Flash Mob Ben's out of her league anyway, even with the Jibber Jabber aspect.

I love these little girl talk chats between JP and dentist. "You. Make. Me. Feel. like I'm livin a Teen. age. Dream!"

Just like the roast, you have such a way with words, William! Adios.

"Rocket ship" *Palm to forehead

'It's at the point where it's not fair to the guys going to make GREAT TV' - Thanks Chris Harrison!

'Diaries of the Departed' promo for ABC online- LOOKS AMAZING (not enough for me to watch it, but I LOVED that promo, ABC!)

I'm gonna be SO honest with you from now on and tell you about Bentley .

Eh, Personal Trainer's actually relieved he got kicked off because he's worried how long he could have gone cheating on his true love, Creatine.

Um, no, you ordered Bentley to Hong Kong, Ashley. No need to act surprised. I just thought you were going to be honest with us now?!?! ;)

Sunday, June 19, 2011


Needless to say, since moving to NY, my BS meter (and gaydar, for that matter. AMES??!) has been FINELY tuned.

So this is why, after so many sang its praises and compelled me to check it out, I have taken issue with Pinterest.

NAMELY, the 'sign up' form eliciting unnecessary emails that have, essentially, turned me off.

UGH, I did not give you my email to join an e-waiting list, Pinterest! Get over yourself!

And RIGHT, I'm tooootally going to check you out on Facebook and Twitter in this ambiguous 'meantime' because I'm on such PINS and needles to be a part of this exclusivity!!!

NO, I'm pretty sure, nay, 100 PERCENT SURE, I already joined via giving you MY email on YOUR site.

Don't turn this around and put the ball in MY court, because it's actually in YOURS now to re- and over- impress me enough to come back.

I mean, REALLY? (Seth and Amy- SNL shout out) REALLY, Pinterest? Who do you think you are??! REALLY!

"We'll let you know" ... 30 minutes later ... "Congrats!" This is not my first time at the rodeo.

Besides, you're about as pretentious as Tumblr, Pinterest. There, I just made it real for you.

But never fear my friends, I am open to your happy Pinterest stories. Maybe they will all one day mount in argument against my current dis-pinterest ... so much that I actually start.

(PS: duh, I'm on my email at 1am on weekends.)

Monday, June 13, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Ep. 4: I miss/ed Bentley

Clearly it's both of us who miss the son of a b---GUN.

Leave this mansion...."forever." Oh Chris Harrison.

Ohh the crop tops.

The poor Thai concierge. Don't judge us based on "har".

Guys are not bummed, secretly wish Bentley were still there so he could teach them how to play to WIN.

Enough with the "I thought of this."

Her weird nervous tic putting her fist over her mouth when she's anxious.

"The mystery of Ashley" I laughed at a very high decibel.

"Hangeeen out" - she DOES belong with Bentley in Utah!

"Don't try to win??" Wait, don't they win a cash prize at the end? OH WAIT, no that's Bachelor Pad, even more shenanigans amazing.

Jibber Jabber Ben.... again... RELAX. Enjoy Thailand, buddy.

AAAAMES, ma boy!!!

Aw making rainbows out of raindrops. TENDER.

We're headed in a really good 'DirAAAction'

Constantine asking for her advice to be the next Bachelor. But he's sincere about this whole thing, so it'd be a boring season.

"Don't be insecure, [I took off work, I'm in Thailand having a brofest...Life's GOOOOD]"

What is this man girl-talk between JP, Josh Groban Winemaker, and Blake? About break out into 'Teenage Dream' or something (ok, no judging, that song is my guilty pleasure).

Mute out Constantine talking, cue voice over of a Are You There God/Bentley, It's Me Ashley monologue.

"THIS TIME [Not in real life, but right now when I'm on TV] I'm going to give it all I've got!!!" - The crux of The Bachelor's genius.

Oh my gosh, it's such a self-improvement journey! Dr Phil is blushing!

That smile says 'hopeful', alright. (Are You There, Bentley?)

Ames, unlike the other guys, could never get enough Solar Panels.

Solar Panels- so classic happy-go-lucky-but-gets-anal-about-dumb-things kind of guy.

OMG ADORABLE KIDS. Soh wah dee kap!!!

Personal Trainer on the hula hoop. Perfact.

Omg, JP's face reminds me of the face Darrell Hammond on SNL makes as John McCain. "Joe the plumber")

They always need so much affirmation.

"He just needs to get more confident in this setting [with all the other guys]" Newsflash: Polyamory has been most popular historically-speaking, but it hasn't been popular for a while now, hun.

Solar Panels is the SoCal version of Brad Womack. Gag. 'so concerned' he's not going to make international destination #2!

JP John McCain looks like gross Anthony Weiner and 'lizard face' Chris Bosh (shout out to Congo).

Roommate: "Look how the umbrella just disappears! So awkward!" {Collective fits of laughter}

AMESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! Such a cute gay.

Omg, looks like they were doing water ballet for a second. Wouldn't be surprised.

The AMES date:
"Aw may gash!"
He's standing a foot away from her!
"I can't talk to her!" More attracted to nature than a woman.
'We' met... 'We' ended up dating for a long time. Kept it gender-neutral.
He's sitting 2 feet away from her!
Look how tight his shirt is, at dinner!
He just used the word 'floral'. He notices the flowers more than her.
"Ashley and I didn't kiss tonight"

I called it G-Ames. Moving on ...

I feel so sorry for Ashley and being in such a 'dark place'.

"I would totally approach you at a restaurant. First, you're gorgeous... Second... uh ...." Typical. Love it.

You just SAID you 'fell out of love', dummy. So don't question aloud whether or not you think 'that' exists or not. Bleh, southern gentlemen.

Blake's confrontation. Amazing. He's losing it! Play to WIN, play to WIN!!!

"I don't have problems with guys." ('You would need to talk to Gay Ames')

Haha, oh Anal Solar Panels.

What the hell is this soldier analogy?

Ah, this is why these 'always happy' guys creep me out. Because they get legitimately mad with a smile PLASTERED. Inconsistent emotions and facial expressions = creepy.

I can't put into words how amazing that shot was of the guys getting their first glimpse of her at the Rose Ceremony. Pavlov Dog reaction much?

Guess who's back, back again... Shady's back!!!!!!!!!!! HALLELUJAH!
I just pumped my fist in the air no less than 10 times.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Major Middleton Girl Crush

Royal Wedding fever hasn't gone away for me...

Inspired by Camilla coming out of the Kate closet.... I mean, RIGHT?!

(I'm so glad their job is to sell magazine covers for the rest of their lives.)

Don't worry, I told my mom a few weeks ago I'd like the Pippa bag for my birthday ... which is not until September. It's on major backorder, I'm being smart! ;)

Even talked about it tonight at dinner with a friend who was carrying a peach colored Pippa-like bag.

This. Must. Stop. ... Seriously, my drug of choice!

Pictures of Wills and Kate at the derby found here. Have had the page bookmarked for days now... oh gee.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Ep. 3: "I laaav to laugh!"

Well the weekend was quite busy with two back to back all nighters ... and today even crazier, but I am now in my PJs with pretzels and hummus ('single girl dinner') at my side so ALL IS WELL.

And so many of you commented or called to tell me to keep doing these, that without further ado:

(She's about to launch into a triple salcow. Oh wait, no, wrong event... Dancing with the Stars, my bad!)

Love how Chris Harrison treats this like the NFL draft.

Wrong wording. It should be "Ben C., speak French with me."

You can already tell the masquerader is not handsome enough to pull the whole mask thing off. All the build up for... uglayyy.

Flash Mob America - Building the DWTS resume.

I'm sorry, short girls, I think it's a little creepy when you are with guys over a foot taller than you. Call me 'jealous' (due to how tall I am) over you 'stealing the tall ones', but it's true.

Poppin bottles, gettin' slizzered: A flash mob makes the heart grow fonder!

"I looked over and knew she was the one I want to spend the rest of my life with" YESSSS. By now, I'm convinced that this is written into their contracts to say or they made a bet with their friends back home (if any) to get that sound byte on TV.

STOP IT. I die over the khaki and sportcoat combo (remember how I used to think Gay Ames was attractive all because of the first episode when he was wearing exactly that?). Point, Ben.

"Balksddlkfjlwkejoiwjeocjeojwoefjx." Slow down the champagne, Ben. You're kinda Euro, you're supposed to have built-in alco-ntrol.

Did he do some lines in the bathroom? Jibber Jabber Ben.

Ugh, I'll tell you what's genuine, Maskman Jeff. You're nervous because you're genuinely ugly. Sorry. You're on TV, you set it up for yourself.

Going along with Ben's "love at first flash mob" experience, The "I'm developing feelings for you" after talking for 2 minutes must be a drinking game somewhere?

HAHAHA. Ashley's reaction. Handling it nicely. He's out.

Speaking of 'out', that scene of Maskman re-entering the room Mask-less is as awkward as someone coming out to a frat full of LAX brahs. Ames?

"I laaav to laugh."

Whoa, Chris D. This isn't your first little league game! It's a comedy club filled with ABC crew family members paid to laugh at you.

Ames getting some stage cred to prep for his own coming out. You can move to the Chelsea neighborhood Ames, you don't have to go on TV to try to pull off a Cruise/Travolta/Gere. Did you go to college? Oh dear.

'With jokes, there's always an ounce of truth.' - Aristotle William.

If MaskMan isn't a divorcee, something's definitely wrong with him. But as we all know with this show, it would have been brought up in the first 2 minutes. So now we know he's just weird.

"He set the [benchpress] bar" - says the Personal Trainer.

'You were on the Bachelor and you have small boobs." Not only the two things they roast her about, but her major life accomplishments, apparently. Oh dudes.

Wow, William got so douchey so fast!!! Amazing what people do for television, and how shocked they are at what they'll do!

Ok, I have a soul. That was mean.

Ugh, Bentley just reminds me of college. *shudder.

"Calling out Physical things is one thing." -says the Personal Trainer.

Oh, Blake is from South Carolina, not California like I called out last episode. Ok, so he's America dime-a-dozen.

"I wasn't even thinking about you or your feelings [when I was roasting you]" -William. Such a smart person, wow.

Omg, Mask Man's voice sounds like a pedophile (I adopted a three legged dog that was ab-yeww-zed). I don't know any personally, but it's what I would imagine one sounds like.

William needs Womack-style therapy for the trust issues. But, like, I hope it actually works for him.

Why is Ryan P's hair so orange? Too much Solar Panel tanning. The tanning/hair bleaching of the future?

Ryan P's mini smile before 'going in' warranted a DVR rewind. Laughing on the floooooooor.

Michelle Cartwright Money. ABC has officially uncovered the goldmine that is Salt Lake City- crazy psycho good girls gone bad, and the boys they're obsessed with, who are too obsessed with themselves to care. Goldmine.

I believe every weeerrd he saysssss. Aren't you in dental school? Right. So you should know what 'thinking' is!

Solar Panels is about to rocket off into space, without a carbon footprint!

I hope Michelle stays a part of the Bachelor franchise forever. Too perfact.

"Hi. OMG are we getting married! Best day ever! No? Worst day ever!" -Ashley has turned into a accelerated relationship Utah girl.

Great material for Bentley's ex to get full custody, if she wants or doesn't already have it.

"Scared" is a weird adjective to use when you have 20 more guys. But then again, the other ones aren't playing hard to get.

If I'm playing devil's advocate, that whole "dot dot dot" theory is genius.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Ashley.

HAHA JIMMY KIMMEL. He's continuously rolling his eyes he has to do Bachelor press.

Bentley = Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids minus that whole part about driving to pick up Kristen Wiig's stranded self on the side of the road. Oh wait, he was a tool then, too. Never mind, same person!

I mean, Bentley is God's gift to humanity, so why wouldn't he leave?? You know there are a hundred girls outside his house right now, begging. Sad.

JP's growing his hair out! THANK GOODNESS. Smart move- it'll be grown out by the Fantasy Suite.

"Don't take it personally." Why the redundancy? Because if you are on this show, you're ooobbbviously not, right? Oh wait...

Makeup by Limited Too.

"Want to sit down and talk?" You're contractually obligated to sit on this X and talk to me.

If Bentley really duped Chris Harrison, the last 5% of his masculinity is now gone. Well done, Bentley.

The Josh Grobans are sitting next to each other. Perfact.

WHOA, lotta makeup on Solar Panels.

WHOAAAAAA, AMES!!!!! Trying out the Solar Panels tanning technique! Oh dear!!!

JP's New Yawker skin is looking tan. Jealoussss.

"Ah-West" 2 syllables.

Ames. Wearing camouflage neutral military shirt/pants in honor of Fleet Week. (Why did I ever think he was my type? Gag.)

Oh my 25. So young. Relaxxxxxx, dude! It was the competition you loved.

Mask Man- Self-Fulfilling Prophecy much?! (Re: gonna be single forever)

"I knowww it works. I've seen bumbling annoying Brad Womack fail at this twice, and I fell for him somewhere along his journey. So there's a good track record going for me."

Oh-My-Phuket-Top-3-On-My-List!!! Beezy stole my honeymoon! Ok, stopping.

Oh the classic "he's a different person when he's around you." Classic. Is this a male defense mechanism? Or just for the half-men who go on this show?