Monday, June 6, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Ep. 3: "I laaav to laugh!"

Well the weekend was quite busy with two back to back all nighters ... and today even crazier, but I am now in my PJs with pretzels and hummus ('single girl dinner') at my side so ALL IS WELL.

And so many of you commented or called to tell me to keep doing these, that without further ado:

(She's about to launch into a triple salcow. Oh wait, no, wrong event... Dancing with the Stars, my bad!)

Love how Chris Harrison treats this like the NFL draft.

Wrong wording. It should be "Ben C., speak French with me."

You can already tell the masquerader is not handsome enough to pull the whole mask thing off. All the build up for... uglayyy.

Flash Mob America - Building the DWTS resume.

I'm sorry, short girls, I think it's a little creepy when you are with guys over a foot taller than you. Call me 'jealous' (due to how tall I am) over you 'stealing the tall ones', but it's true.

Poppin bottles, gettin' slizzered: A flash mob makes the heart grow fonder!

"I looked over and knew she was the one I want to spend the rest of my life with" YESSSS. By now, I'm convinced that this is written into their contracts to say or they made a bet with their friends back home (if any) to get that sound byte on TV.

STOP IT. I die over the khaki and sportcoat combo (remember how I used to think Gay Ames was attractive all because of the first episode when he was wearing exactly that?). Point, Ben.

"Balksddlkfjlwkejoiwjeocjeojwoefjx." Slow down the champagne, Ben. You're kinda Euro, you're supposed to have built-in alco-ntrol.

Did he do some lines in the bathroom? Jibber Jabber Ben.

Ugh, I'll tell you what's genuine, Maskman Jeff. You're nervous because you're genuinely ugly. Sorry. You're on TV, you set it up for yourself.

Going along with Ben's "love at first flash mob" experience, The "I'm developing feelings for you" after talking for 2 minutes must be a drinking game somewhere?

HAHAHA. Ashley's reaction. Handling it nicely. He's out.

Speaking of 'out', that scene of Maskman re-entering the room Mask-less is as awkward as someone coming out to a frat full of LAX brahs. Ames?

"I laaav to laugh."

Whoa, Chris D. This isn't your first little league game! It's a comedy club filled with ABC crew family members paid to laugh at you.

Ames getting some stage cred to prep for his own coming out. You can move to the Chelsea neighborhood Ames, you don't have to go on TV to try to pull off a Cruise/Travolta/Gere. Did you go to college? Oh dear.

'With jokes, there's always an ounce of truth.' - Aristotle William.

If MaskMan isn't a divorcee, something's definitely wrong with him. But as we all know with this show, it would have been brought up in the first 2 minutes. So now we know he's just weird.

"He set the [benchpress] bar" - says the Personal Trainer.

'You were on the Bachelor and you have small boobs." Not only the two things they roast her about, but her major life accomplishments, apparently. Oh dudes.

Wow, William got so douchey so fast!!! Amazing what people do for television, and how shocked they are at what they'll do!

Ok, I have a soul. That was mean.

Ugh, Bentley just reminds me of college. *shudder.

"Calling out Physical things is one thing." -says the Personal Trainer.

Oh, Blake is from South Carolina, not California like I called out last episode. Ok, so he's America dime-a-dozen.

"I wasn't even thinking about you or your feelings [when I was roasting you]" -William. Such a smart person, wow.

Omg, Mask Man's voice sounds like a pedophile (I adopted a three legged dog that was ab-yeww-zed). I don't know any personally, but it's what I would imagine one sounds like.

William needs Womack-style therapy for the trust issues. But, like, I hope it actually works for him.

Why is Ryan P's hair so orange? Too much Solar Panel tanning. The tanning/hair bleaching of the future?

Ryan P's mini smile before 'going in' warranted a DVR rewind. Laughing on the floooooooor.

Michelle Cartwright Money. ABC has officially uncovered the goldmine that is Salt Lake City- crazy psycho good girls gone bad, and the boys they're obsessed with, who are too obsessed with themselves to care. Goldmine.

I believe every weeerrd he saysssss. Aren't you in dental school? Right. So you should know what 'thinking' is!

Solar Panels is about to rocket off into space, without a carbon footprint!

I hope Michelle stays a part of the Bachelor franchise forever. Too perfact.

"Hi. OMG are we getting married! Best day ever! No? Worst day ever!" -Ashley has turned into a accelerated relationship Utah girl.

Great material for Bentley's ex to get full custody, if she wants or doesn't already have it.

"Scared" is a weird adjective to use when you have 20 more guys. But then again, the other ones aren't playing hard to get.

If I'm playing devil's advocate, that whole "dot dot dot" theory is genius.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Ashley.

HAHA JIMMY KIMMEL. He's continuously rolling his eyes he has to do Bachelor press.

Bentley = Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids minus that whole part about driving to pick up Kristen Wiig's stranded self on the side of the road. Oh wait, he was a tool then, too. Never mind, same person!

I mean, Bentley is God's gift to humanity, so why wouldn't he leave?? You know there are a hundred girls outside his house right now, begging. Sad.

JP's growing his hair out! THANK GOODNESS. Smart move- it'll be grown out by the Fantasy Suite.

"Don't take it personally." Why the redundancy? Because if you are on this show, you're ooobbbviously not, right? Oh wait...

Makeup by Limited Too.

"Want to sit down and talk?" You're contractually obligated to sit on this X and talk to me.

If Bentley really duped Chris Harrison, the last 5% of his masculinity is now gone. Well done, Bentley.

The Josh Grobans are sitting next to each other. Perfact.

WHOA, lotta makeup on Solar Panels.

WHOAAAAAA, AMES!!!!! Trying out the Solar Panels tanning technique! Oh dear!!!

JP's New Yawker skin is looking tan. Jealoussss.

"Ah-West" 2 syllables.

Ames. Wearing camouflage neutral military shirt/pants in honor of Fleet Week. (Why did I ever think he was my type? Gag.)

Oh my 25. So young. Relaxxxxxx, dude! It was the competition you loved.

Mask Man- Self-Fulfilling Prophecy much?! (Re: gonna be single forever)

"I knowww it works. I've seen bumbling annoying Brad Womack fail at this twice, and I fell for him somewhere along his journey. So there's a good track record going for me."

Oh-My-Phuket-Top-3-On-My-List!!! Beezy stole my honeymoon! Ok, stopping.

Oh the classic "he's a different person when he's around you." Classic. Is this a male defense mechanism? Or just for the half-men who go on this show?


Camilla Leila said...

hahahaha! just got your comment - so glad that we can obsess over how amazing she is together.

how good is it that she inspires us to be healthy and active! another point for Catherine Middleton.

also this recap made me laugh. esp the part about salt lake being a gold mine :)

Rachel Longhurst said...

Im voting for mask-man to be the next bachelor...

Alexandra said...

RACH, that would be the best season ever. I can't figure out why Bachelor hasn't done a (official) 'Sabotage Season' in which the main person is played intentionally by all 30 people.