Monday, June 20, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Ep. 5: Make love, not Muay Thai

Hey guys!!

Well I have successfully yoga-ed and green juice-d (I'm totally guilted into this whole alkaline pH green-i-fying yourself thing. every coffee shop in NYC is now a juicer, no joke) my way out of this unsettling funk I was in ALL day and ready for another round of gross exaggerating and snarky bashing of the Bachelorette half-men.

Not very yogi-c of me, I'm aware.

But neither was Solar Panels' unnecessary clobbering of dear sweet Gay-mes.
(Taking a play from the Bentley playbook and minding the hair)

"Flying ALL over THE WORLD" Uh, ONE country at this point. Solar Panels the Geographer.

Oh, Gay-mes and the orange-clad monks! Anything but Ashley, really, will do...

It's Thailand- the land of Shenanigans with a capital S. Glad they're smart enough to pick up on that re: "Anything is possible in Chiang Mai"

*Palm to forehead - my reaction to them running up the steps into that hotel.

Gaymes, you're jealous of Ashley's chemistry...with all of the guys.

"We have a lot of mutual atRACHShon for each other"

"I love this stuff!" *palm to forehead

"Street food!" *palm to forehead

(This WHOLE show, for that matter- *palm to forehead)

Ah, I see Jibber Jabber/Flash Mob Ben and Gaymes have been giving these guys some preppy tips. Good job on your polo shirt, Josh Groban Winemaker.

"[The PRODUCERS are] So romantic!!!"

I will never get over why these people define "putting themselves out there" as this, and only this, TV show 'journey'.

I am about as attracted to Personal Trainer as Matthew McConaughey. Which is zero. It's hard to consider guys attractive when you hear they stand the height you were in 6th grade (approx 5'9"). #TallGirlProblems

'I'm really really glad that you're ... distracting me, albeit marginally, from Bentley'

Why are they making out when there are these Thai people giving a special dance performance? Disrespectful, right?!

I want the chin dread instructor to be my Thai sensei. He's so annoyed by these half-men.

My pink gloves are biggAr than me!

"It's pretty wild" - Gaymes in his ELEMENT. First the monks, now the boxers...what next?!


THE PINK. "I PREFER don't mind"

Did you see that 2 second shot of Gaymes's gay clap!?

No, pretty sure the whole 'fighting like a girl' thing is already covered, JP.

"I'm nerVAS"

Roommate: You can't put guys in a boxing ring and tell them, 'Oh just have fun!' Dummies. I mean, SMART producers.

I appreciate the anti-fight (anti-war?) sentiments, Gaymes, but surely you've taken a David Barton Gym (aka The Marc Jacobs Gym) kickboxing class. You know, for reasons of urban self defense...

Ugh, again, Anal Solar Panels putting the U in Unnecessary and giving poor Gaymes a concussion. This is why smiley guys creep me out!

"I'll be back" - I gotta do a few struts around the ring in my sports bra in front of these modest Thai people.

Boxing- where only plastic reconstructive surgeons win.

Wait. She didn't fight? I thought she was going to get roasted again!!!

Aaand ... Gaymes still turns up to the mixer in a sportcoat and khakis, unlike these toolbags dressing like (wannabe) off-duty surfers. *Sigh.


(Looks like they all noticed, too.)

I had to wait too long for that Bentley reference! Thank you, Ashley editing!

"YAR a GOLFER!!!" Why does she get SO hyper SO fast. I don't understand girls sometimes.

"I LOVE [that another guy showed me where my heart is: with Bentley]"

Dental love.

They think they're so Tom and Huck, but they have that Thai man steering the boat!

NEWSFLASH: If you admit that you "CAN be the biggest D in the room," then you are one, completely.

Fiiiinally, some more sabotage storyline thanks to Watchface William.

This is bizarre. Because William has SUCH a good trAck record!

Ah well. Like I said in the first recap, Flash Mob Ben's out of her league anyway, even with the Jibber Jabber aspect.

I love these little girl talk chats between JP and dentist. "You. Make. Me. Feel. like I'm livin a Teen. age. Dream!"

Just like the roast, you have such a way with words, William! Adios.

"Rocket ship" *Palm to forehead

'It's at the point where it's not fair to the guys going to make GREAT TV' - Thanks Chris Harrison!

'Diaries of the Departed' promo for ABC online- LOOKS AMAZING (not enough for me to watch it, but I LOVED that promo, ABC!)

I'm gonna be SO honest with you from now on and tell you about Bentley .

Eh, Personal Trainer's actually relieved he got kicked off because he's worried how long he could have gone cheating on his true love, Creatine.

Um, no, you ordered Bentley to Hong Kong, Ashley. No need to act surprised. I just thought you were going to be honest with us now?!?! ;)


Katie Rich said...

You crack me up. Keep these coming!

Missy said...

So in honor of your Bachelorette entries, which I find hysterical btw, I saw Bentley's ex and child at Nordstrom Rack today. see since I read your blog and from it looked at her blog, I creepily recognized them. Yep I heard someone say Cozy so I had to casually walk over to where they were so I could get a look. Not creepy at all....but it was totally them. Cozy had one of those crazy-as headbands on.

Alexandra said...

Oh my gosh, Missy, that IS so hilarious!!! I laughed so hard!