I thought that in returning to more consistent blogging, I would have evolved to a higher state of being. Older and wiser. That I would somehow have more poignant things to say and more depth. But the interesting thing about being in your own body your whole life is that you can't realize how much wiser you've become without reflection along the way.
I am different than I was five years ago. I don't know why I'm so fixed on this figure of five years ago, but it seems significant because five years ago, right out of college, was a lot different than ten, finishing up high school. Nearly five years ago, I moved to New York and was assaulted with self-doubt and this correlated to blogging less. I learned a lot in that time period and I wouldn't be where I am now without it, so I don't consider it a failure.
Nowadays, I care less what people think of me. I'm more candid and open about my shortcomings, trials, and difficulties. I am more present, not too concerned with the future. I guess I've come to a sort of Deepak Choprah kind of awakening along the lines of "the time is now" because I really enjoy present. I realize that no moment will ever be quite the same as another, so I must relish it for what it is. There are things to love and things to feel neutral about and things to dislike about living in every moment, but that they will all be different is something profound.
For instance, the old me would have pictured myself as happy in LA only if I lived near the beach. That day might come, and it's still a goal, but there is still so much I enjoy about the present that I know I'd miss if or when that situation arises.
Maybe I just really like the people around me at the present moment. Is it all really about the people that make or break an experience? As I think back on the most positively memorable experiences in my life, they are filled with people whom I adored. The not so great experiences? There seems to be a common thread of an absence of people with whom I genuinely connected.